I am under serious pressure as I write you this. Pressure from my skull trying to cave in on itself, pressure from the need to not explode. Pressure from the heightened beatings of my heart, pressure from my fingers running faster than my hands.
I have known you for about 3 years, (though as you said, “knowing” someone goes beyond talking to them…and seeing them once in 3 years). I’ve had the chance to talk to you from a distance- first the Facebook post that got us bickering, then the alleged chemistry that wouldn’t rest until we spoke every day. I’ve listened to you talk about like everything, and you have listened to me talk so much that with time you moved from being a stranger with whom I could comfortably unburden, to the friend who just lives abroad. Like you say, that word “friend” is thrown around too easily these days.
It makes me wonder what YOU think friendship is about. You didn’t ask me but I’ll talk anyway. I think friendship is one huge collage of memories- the pleasant greens of happy moments, the salty blues of sorrowful tears, the raging pinks of embarrassment, the glowing gold of achievement…maybe the bitter purples of anger sometimes. It is holistic, it is incomplete when any particular piece is missing. When we share in our moments, that’s what makes us friends.
That said, I cannot lay claim to the perfect picture. Surely whatever we’ve painted so far must be one blue-pink landscape with accidental splotches of green and some stardust blown there by a stubborn wind. And it did bother me when I stepped back and took stock. I DID notice that it seemed I only talked about sad stuff with you…It did seem like I didn’t really care about what was going on at your end.
And so, I said to myself, you have to correct this. I tried my best to stay in touch when you were in Mauritius. Remember that? I really DID plan to show up in Poland if I got the chance (I think I talked about that with Jenny). I decided to NOT talk about sad stuff anymore. I had a terrible September, and a November I wish never really happened. Don’t you think it’s rather odd for anyone to have a super-duper life since August? I had rough times but I said “you have to gather yourself together”. I said I’d shut up and talk to you WHEN things are going great.
Trust me, I did just that.
I don’t hold it against you that you noticed the imbalance. It’s just sad that at the very moment when I thought I was “happy” and balanced enough to pick things up where I left off (as you’d say)… you question my motives, you question the basis of this friendship, you question the existence of this friendship).
If it’s worth anything at this point, I value your company, and I stashed the memories of you high on the shelves where everything is labelled “Best…”
Freezing Under the burning Sun,