Sunday Dec 04, 2022

Escaping The Friendzone (1)

So at long last I decide to talk about this.

Let me get this straight. You’re a nice person- full of life, absolutely adorable, caring. You have this wonderful awesome buddy of the opposite sex. And you guys are like a perfect pair. People don’t ask if you’re dating…it’s more like “how long have you been together?” And you guys go, “what? No way! We’re just friends!” And then you fight hard to defend the lie that people of the opposite sex can be close friends, hang out, do everything a couple does and NOT feel anything.

After a while you see that you were too hasty in denying the existence of anything. You can’t say for sure what exists between the two of you…but you can’t deny it either. The softer smiles…the longer hugs, the lingering looks into each other’s eyes for no particular reason.Then you begin to reason…this person is REALLY awesome! Maybe at this point you start telling them how great they are and you wouldn’t trade them for anything…how you hope to be friends forever (or till some dude/girl takes them away)

 75 percent of you reading this have already felt the shivers of recognition. This guy must be in my head!   By now you’ve talked about the future- school, work, raising a family, taking your passions to the next level. You’re making plans for where you’ll be in the next 5 years. By this time you gist about friends who have hooked up with other friends. By this time the movies you’re watching together are heading from action/comedy slowly towards porn.

(Okay only half of you ever get there)

You start getting jealous about her/him when you see others hanging around them. It pisses you off (very minutely at first) when they talk about how cute that boy/girl is (or how strong, rich, talented…whatever). But you know you have no right to be, so you tell yourself to be calm and behave.Unfortunately he/she picks this as the best moment to be extra tender and caring, and say “you’re such a darling” or “what would I do without you?”. And she posts photos of you guys smiling sunnily on her facebook page. Or you show up on his wallpaper/ BBm display picture/twitter Avatar.

At this point you’re dying to know whether (s)he feels what you feel, whether the sight of you drives a swarm of butterflies fluttering all over their stomach. You become extra sensitive, extra perceptive. You know his every move, you notice when her lipstick changes.   You toss and turn, wondering when this will end.

Should I tell her? Probably. Probably not. Cos you see, you’ve both laughed at guys who came “toasting”/chyking/whatever your slang is for asking a girl out. Or how about that time you called the other girl a slut for consciously pressing her tits against his arm/back/wherever?

Well, she doesn’t know yet, I’ll just be nice. No one says this must become something else! Afterall, a guy and a girl can be friends without anything coming up, right?


Subtly you start asking “leading” questions. What do you like about me? What do you hate about me? Seriously! Do you think you could date someone like me? (That’s if you didn’t know me before). Stupid, stupid questions!!!!!!!!!!   Slowly you begin to make feeble attempts at letting the person see that you’re really more awesome than they think you are. Slowly your text messages become more ambiguous…so ambiguous that sometimes even YOU can’t tell exactly what you mean.

 You do everything right but it seems the very person is the blindest person alive. She takes longer to pick your calls, he takes forever to reply texts with “Ok”/”seen”/”yeah” and the like.   Out of desperation (or a sudden dose of courage/stupidity) you had the nerve to ask her out. Or to let him know you like him for more than friends. Some people are more dramatic than the others. Maybe you bought a giant teddybear, or asked her out in a room full of people because you wanted to sound “bold” (depends honestly on the level of your stupidity).

I don’t know what you were expecting- maybe she’d jump into your arms and scream “yes! Yes!” Or maybe he’d sweep you off your feet and whisper his undying love with that deep timbre, that husky rasp that only comes out when he’s ecstatic.   But what you didn’t expect was the blank stare followed by the “stop joking jor”/”are you serious?”  “hey…I thought we were friends” or “I think we’re better as friends” or more killing…”You’re an awesome person, you’re sweet, loving, caring, resourceful…but I just don’t look at you THAT way. You’re like a brother/sister to me”   And you’re absolutely crushed.

Dude, baby, you’ve been zoned. And Badly So. And you’re doomed for life because things will NEVER be the same. You’ve crossed the line- you’ve broken the seal and now the milk has gone sour. You hopeless, hopeless thing. Find a corner and cry your eyes out!  (Actually you won’t listen to me). You’ll keep telling yourself that you’re cool with it.

You poor, poor thing. You’ll lap up anything they throw at you wont you?. You make excuses for everything they do. A part of you knows you’re being silly, building castles in the air when nothing will come out of it.

 But as a philosopher said- “never underestimate the power of idiots in large numbers”.   You will listen to music, watch movies and read foolish books that promise you things will turn out fine. Some unexpected turn of events will make her see things from your perspective, right?

  Slowly you’ll become a slave to them. You’ll continue being useful- fix her computer/faulty whatever-went-bad and refuse to let her pay. You’ll keep doing his laundry and cooking his meals. They’ll reduce the amount of communication but give you enough to still say “she’s my friend”. Lies, lies, lies

 ************************************************    If I sounded like I was telling your story, make sure you read “how to escape the friendzone 2”

BONUS: Download Michael Ogah’s “K-Leg” for free Download FIle


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