hope you’ve had good time to think about your plight. Because you desperately want to be free- you want to be able to look them in the eye without feeling like a hypocrite. Because everyone still thinks you’re friends- just that you’ve hit a tough patch. But the communication gap is deepening- she no longer tells you what bothers her, and you have to coax, beg, threaten and maybe blackmail him into telling you what’s going on with him. You can’t have those theoretical discussions about sex (or any other hush-hush topics). You can’t have those long phone calls because of the awkward pauses. You can’t say “I miss you” because the only reply she gives is “thank you” or maybe he says “yeah, cool”.
Okay, really I think I’ve tortured you enough. You’re reading this because you want a way out. You’re drained emotionally, and you already have half the emotional capital needed to come out of this. But you also need knowledge and wisdom to direct that emotion. NOTE: THIS ADVICE IS NOT 100% EFFECTIVE. YOU HAVE TO CUSTOMISE IT TO YOUR OWN SITUATION. (besides I don’t know why you should take advice from anyone on the internet 😛 Okay I’m kidding
SO HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE?
There are generally two ways-
IT’S EITHER YOU SPARK THEIR ROMANTIC INTEREST (i.e. make them romantically attracted to you You achieve this by doing what you’d do to attract people. I can’t claim to be an expert on that, but for me charm works…well, like a charm. But you see, your charm and sweetness got you zoned. So it’s time to turn up the heat- make overtures that are undeniably romantic (whatever makes her/him tick)… (s)he zoned you- that means by the discussions you have you should pretty much know what they like. It’s possible they’re just playing hard to get and want you to prove your personal worth, to show them reason why they should commit to a serious relationship with you despite all the flaws which you gladly show them. Be smooth, suave, learn to play the guitar (chicks dig that), learn to play video games and get crazy about soccer/whatever sport he likes(dudes love girls that do that) People naturally love what they DON’T have… so you have to become the unattainable, devastatingly handsome, hypnotically pretty, smart, fun, resourceful, popular person. You have to project yourself as the Desirable One. This method fails like 75% of the time. It takes too much work, plus you’re already heartbroken, only fighting from a position of weakness. If they were gonna date you, they would have at least thought about it. If you work harder to make them like you, it MAY WORK (if your guardian angel also knows how to hypnotise people) and it may NOT. This is like you’re trying to make fire with wet leaves- usually you just get smoke in your eyes! You’ll probably gonna get deeper into the friendzone, where we call the BROTHERZONE (but that’s for another day) O
OR YOU DECLARE WAR ON THEM
You see this is the one I think works the best. I tried it, it works. Declare them the enemy! That’s the first step. Look at it like a bad habit, a drug addiction you’re trying to break. Because really that’s what they are! It will require subterfuge, camouflage, landmines and plain shooting for you to escape. I won’t waste words in this section- I’ll just outline steps to escaping from the zone (because you can’t win them back)
1. Reduce the communication
Cutting them off instantly will raise all sorts of flags. They’ll get suspicious and they’ll start blackmailing you! Just reduce the communication gradually. If you talked 5 times a day, reduce it to 3, to 1 and eventually skip some days. Days become weeks, weeks become months and you see that you didn’t REALLY need them as much as you thought.
Beware: at this stage THEY might increase the level of communication. They still want your advice and occasionally miss your refreshing honesty (or whatever is charming about you). “If you chase a dog, it’ll run. If you run from a dog, it’ll chase you!” You on your own will feel like giving them one last chance because they show some signs of “coming round”. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, SOLDIER! It’s just a trap to keep you subservient. Their calling you is just a knee-jerk reaction to what it’s missing. ENJOY IT, but IGNORE it.
I’m not saying you have to become evil and send them hate-mail. Or refuse to help when a real life-threatening/serious emergency arises. Occasionally you may check in- call to find out how they’re doing, be very brief and to-the-point. (after all, they were your friends before this whole thing started).
2. Keep yourself occupied
The time you spent drooling and grovelling at their feet- put it into something productive. Learn a skill, read a book. When you keep your mind occupied, you will have less time to think of them. At first, it’s really difficult to stay focused, because every little thing reminds you of the way they laugh, the way they make faces, the way they get angry, the way they act when they’re in work-mode. I sympathise with you, but sweetie thinking about him won’t bring him back. GET BUSY!!!
The logic is simple- as the quality of your mind and work/skill increases, you tend to change your tastes. Suddenly you notice she’s not THAT pretty, and that he’s not so awesome! It’s like when you never notice how many people drive a Kia Sportage until you get one yourself! GET When you do this, you get to meet people who can relate with you on a higher level than whoever that Enemy is. BUSY!
3. Stop being useful
A majority of all Zoners (that’s the people who put you in the friendzone) still want to keep you as friends purely for the benefit they derive. I know you can’t accept the truth, but think- the only time they remember you is when they need a favour. Maybe run an errand, fix my pc, help me set up for a dinner, pack for a trip, do my assignment/homework, write that evil paper, take my shopping for the dress I’ll wear on my date.
They most likely won’t hangout with you unless you’re giving them something/doing something for them.
“oh, you’re so helpful!” “you’re an absolute angel/ninja/commando/hero/whatever”. That’s another trap, don’t fall for it! You’ll be there feeling useful. They want you to be there for them, you want them to be there with you. When you refuse to be a housemaid/butler, you’ll see a change. Again comes the blackmail: “he used to be soooo nice and sweet. Just because I said “no” when he wanted a relationship, he’s become all grumpy, and un-nice. He’s changed”
LISTEN TO ME ALL YOU ZONERS OUT THERE READING THIS. IF YOU THINK LIKE THAT YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP AND FED SALT THREE TIMES A DAY.
4. BECOME A SELFISH LITTLE BRAT
It’s high time you started emphasising your existence as a person. Don’t go on any journey that has no benefit to you at all. I know your religious beliefs are kicking in and protesting at the godlessness of what I just said. Amos 3:3 from the bible says “can two walk together except they be agreed?” you’re going in two different directions, keep it that way. If it’s obvious that this person remains insensitive to the things YOU need to get done…by all means cut off!
5. MEET OTHER PEOPLE
Lots of people that get zoned make one person the centre of their lives. Am I not right? You found that you wanted to hang out with this person more and more and you cut other people off. But THEY have other friends they hang out with and may not hesitate to ditch you for the others. Look, my friend- get out there, meet people, hang out with them, learn (as actively as possible) about their interests, meet THEIR friends, go out more. Whenever you DO get to talk to the enemy, kindly inform them how great your life has become. Fill the few minutes talking about what you’re doing, who you’re hanging out with, just prattle endlessly and give them only a short time to talk. Just when they might be warming up… tell them you have to go. Share photos of your exciting new life. They’ll see!
F. AVOID THE COMPANY OF PEOPLE IN THE ZONE
The battle is yours to fight- don’t make it everybody’s problem. If you associate constantly with people in the zone, you’ll just keep throwing pity parties, form negative stereotypes and come out with an unhealthy outlook on life and relationships. Instead, talk to God. Prayer does help lessen anxiety and deal with matters of the heart. Talk with people who have escaped from the zone. if you keep constant company with the brothers in the zone, they’ll keep dragging you down to their level! The above are a few ways to get OUT of the zone.
You may have YOUR own method! And not everything I say is Law. Some of us are luckier than others, and some of us aren’t even ready for a relationship and just chasing shadows.
Whichever is the case, the point is for you to get out of the zone with a good level of self-respect and dignity. In all likelihood you’ll NEVER truly get over this person. There will always be a bit of that Enemy tucked away in your heart. You may have to die to get them out. But you want to live, to love and feel alive. Good News! it can be managed Just like diabetes and HIV.
There’s one more thing you need to know- how to AVOID getting into this zone. And on that I’ll be sharing the experiences of both myself and some friends who have given me permission to use their stories. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS, tell me what I missed out (or add your own advice). Save a life out there! See you next time (and get that your silly friend who keeps getting zoned to read this).
Read part 3: AVOIDING the friendzone.
Oh, and don’t forget to check out Michael Ogah’s “K-leg”. Download File