Sunday Dec 04, 2022

Escaping the Friendzone (4)

Thi there.

Thanks for the feedback guys. I think a lot of people misunderstand the friendzone theory as discussed by me recently.

I am not denying the possibility of platonic friendships. But in young adults (with properly functional hormonal systems) the possibility is minute. I had to do a study on the topic, and I found this study on the rate at which males get attracted to their female friends. In essence, men statistically are 30% more likely to get friendzoned than the women. Seeing also that women are demographically more than men on earth, we can see why the belief that platonic friendships exist is still this widespread.

A lady has a friend, she HONESTLY believes he’s just friends with her. The guy on the other hand does not see things that way- because he has seen almost everything he wants in a girl. Plus, the friendship level has made them open to each other so much that they say stuff they normally wouldn’t tell anyone. The girl on one side feels she has found a safe zone, a friend, an ally; the guy on the other side thinks he’s found the perfect one.

This is usually the point where the trouble begins. If this nice guy tries to take the relationship where he believes it’s inevitably headed, the girl feels betrayed. Because she always thought he’d gone past the level of “those guys out there”. She cannot imagine dating a person (or having any romantic attachment to him). She’s always interpreted his acts of kindness as brotherly affection. It’s mental incest for her to imagine herself being with such a guy!

The guy on the other hand has built dreams on how happy their friendship is. And he’s turned it over several times in his mind- to speak or not to speak. And when he decides speaking is in the best interest of this friendship, to clear the air, the sweet adorable girl starts acting funny.

I think I’ve overdefined the concept.

What I want to talk about now is how to build good friendships.

There’s no particular method. But all I’ll say is- be clear from the beginning what the friendship is about. Definitely someone you met in an internet chatroom or dating site is not looking for platonic friendships. Or someone you met at a night club/party. Someone whose first sentence is a pick-up line is not looking for an opportunity to be your best buddy.

Be careful the words you use. People just love double entendres (saying one thing capable of multiple interpretations). Chances are that when you throw words like darling, sweetie, sugar…it loses it’s power. While a girl calling guys that might truly have nothing in mind, I’d say (from a Nigerian perspective anyway) that a guy calling you darling, sweetie, honey, baby MOST LIKELY is expressing a romantic interest. A girl innocently says that and the guy interprets it to mean his love is being requited (is that a real word?). And girls who say “that’s why I love you” are just looking for trouble.

Keep a time limit on whatever you do with the opposite sex. Even if it’s 10 hours, don’t just have random activity. Chances are when you leave time unguarded, other people will take advantage of you and use their own time to their benefit. THEY may not see it as manipulative, but it will drain your energy and resources. Organise your time to achieve your goals…and fit other people into your schedule. There are times indeed that you may have to bend your schedule…let it be for a WORTHY cause.

And keep an open mind. As you relate with people, just take statements at face value. If you’re not clear on what someone means, ask. Many things we think are obvious are NOT. Just ask people what they mean by what they say. You may come across as inquisitive, but hey- that’s still better than making wrong assumptions.

And for the guys… never do things for a girl with the hope that she’ll fall in love. We’re all hunters and investors, I know. If your investment should fail, you feel bad. That’s why we hear men say “after all I did for her, she refused to date me”. Personally, I never do anything for any girl I fall in love with…that I wouldn’t do for anyone else. That’s just a self-help mechanism…if it doesn’t work out, I move on with my head held high.

And if you’re gonna ask some girl out, keep an open mind. It’s a 50-50 possibility (a YES or a NO). A friend once told me “dude just think of an escape PLAN B in case she says no. say something funny and extract yourself!). Whatever happens, don’t victimise such a person. The fact you’re attracted to her is not a guarantee that she’ll feel the same way!

Enjoy your friendships, have fun, hang out. And if you really MUST make a move, well, prepare for the worst.



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