Full Circle | ohpeter.com

Full Circle

You’re back at the place you swore you’d never be.

 

 

You love her even though she’s smashed your heart to pieces.

 

She smashed your x-box to a thousand more pieces. She destroyed all the ties you had to all your friends. At first you told them they didn’t understand the responsibilities of being in a committed relationship headed somewhere. You ridiculed them when you were with her, to prove that you’d actually become more mature than your friends who stayed out every night with nothing serious to return to. Of course you couldn’t tell them they were right.

You wished to God that you weren’t so persistent in the chase. You wished you had listened when she told you that she was more than a handful and you couldn’t handle her. You wished all your efforts at self-improvement had been to actually better yourself, not sound deep enough to impress her. Now that she got hooked on that Sapiosexual vibe, you quickly realized that it was a total bore.

 

You alternated wildly between the vanity of looking like you just walked off the cover of GQ…and renouncing all such foolish occupations in favour of enriching the mind. It was never quite enough for her, you know? You were either too concerned about your body or too lost in your wise thoughts. She recognized your need for validation early and she used it well against you.

She only loved you when you were unavailable. She only wanted you when you were away on long trips, or busy, or swamped by those little girls who thought you were the world. At first you thought that it was temporary, it was only a fluke… but the more you tested this hypothesis, the more she proved that absence really did make her heart grow fonder.

 

It tore you apart. You had endless waves of love to lavish on her, but here you were – withholding affection because it was the only way to get love back. Here you were ignoring the adoring birds who would jump off a roof if it would get your attention. You had to ignore them, not from a particular strength of character, but because you were a prisoner of the perceptions you had projected about yourself.

 

Smart guy. Funny Guy. Awesome-looking guy. Faithful to his girlfriend guy.

 

If you could go back, you would have accepted her “I don’t actually see you in that light.” and moved on with your life. Four years down the drain, and you’re praying for the day she says “we need to move on“. Because being alone would be better than the nasty loneliness sucking down on your soul. So when she said “we need to break up” she  expected it would kill you. She was wrong.

 

On one of those nights you’re finally out with the boys again, idly criticizing Pep Guardiola’s astonishing lack of goals as Man City’s Boss, you get that dizzying text message –

It’s not nearly the same without you

 

You’re back at the place you swore you’d never be. You love her even though she’s smashed your heart to pieces.

 

 

_______________

This is a work of fiction, inspired by the style of Jerry Chiemeke. All resemblances to actual people living, dead or in-between is purely coincidental and probably mischievous.

 

The model in this photo is Aidee Erhime

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