Thursday Feb 02, 2023


The day I met Rumcake, I was ready to die.


March, 2016.


I was depressed. I remember distinctly thinking “If I hadn’t been born, it may have been better”. I know, I know everybody knows me as a happy, noisy person. So The Peter can be depressed? Yes he can. And I was. I had no desire to do anything. I became the stereotypical couch potato. Pizza boxes piling everywhere, clothes everywhere, food everywhere. I would stay in bed for days, watching foolish shows in the vain hopes that I would laugh. I read all sorts of blogs, you know. Still, nothing.


See, I was 5 months past a soul-shattering breakup. Initially you think “hey, I’m fine. Nothing spoil”. You fill your life with work, with, noisy activities, because silence gives frightens you with thoughts that never leave. Every “what if” scenario that plays through your mind leaves you feeling like you made the worst choices possible; that if even one thing went differently, you would not be in this hole.   It’s in the silent moments that you remember that she used to have this magical laugh; or that she was particularly picky about something dumb. As time goes on, Silent Moments come more and more often until you have to face the reality that it’s really over and there’s no going back from here – only forward.


I threw myself into the hardest job I’ve ever done – marketing. I had to sell my ability to start conversations and make people laugh – in order to make the lowest money I had ever made in my life. At a point, I realized- “I’m working JUST so I can go to work!” and then I quit that job. It was more profitable for me to sit at home doing nothing.


But you see, that nothingness drives you insane. That ennui is like a mobster who forces your head under water, letting you surface for just enough air to keep you alive, and then sends you back under for a rendezvous with the fishes.


The day I met Rumcake, I was ready to die.


I didn’t want to kill myself – no way. I hate pain. But I felt like my existence was pathetic, unjustified and unproductive. The Voice told me: “leave the house”. And I did.


This was an instagram post on this day. Surely scared a lot of people 🙁


I walked around campus and then I remembered a fellowship I’d been attending. The worship was amazing and uplifting. And I thought – yes! Best place to be right now! But when I got to the chapel, it was empty. I sat alone in the octagonal room, bouncing my thoughts along the polished wood walls and searching for skies in a winter sky.


Someone walked in, and at first I didn’t really care about who it was. I saw her feeling along the walls, looking for the light switch or the thermostat.



“I see you running into the woods

With your bright yellow jacket, you look lost

You look lost”  – Vicktor Taiwò in “Digital Kids”


I got talking with her as we waited for the rest of the people to come. I knew something was happening at the moment – but what? Slowly I realized – hey, I’m not sad anymore. I was feeling lighter and lighter with every minute. It seemed like she was sucking the pain away. By doing nothing other than listen and talk.


Eventually I got a text that there would be no meeting that night.


Neither of us was ready to leave, so we sat there and talked for 5 hours, and I realized I was pouring out myself to a complete stranger. Could that be what I’d needed all along?A complete stranger to listen without judgment?


Later, she would tell me she was studying psychology. No surprise there, kiddo. You’re definitely in the right field.


As the night progressed, things became less formal, laughter found its way into the conversation and at some point, I started to dance.


You read that right, I started to dance.

I wanted to be alive. I wanted to LIVE. I suddenly wanted to be a great person. It was happening right before my eyes. It was unreal. And I already knew – I LIKE this girl. As in, I like-like this girl.


I walked her to her car and there, as I took her number, I saw that there was no ring.


Leave a Reply

Back to Top
%d bloggers like this: